Most people don’t pay enough attention to emotions: they often ignore their own and dismiss those of others. For maximum success in the world, your child should do neither one. The parent-child relationship gives you enormous leverage as a teacher and role model. Communication skills are key. How can you, the parent, lay a solid foundation in this area?
Start with a personal inventory. Do you honor your own feelings? Ideally, you are exquisitely self-aware, processing news bulletins from your body day in and day out. You notice when your foot itches, when you feel a twinge of hunger, and when you are bothered by an unpaid bill, the theft of your driver’s license, your heated conversation with your sister on Monday, or your spouse’s failure to come home on time last night. In each case, you register the feeling, identify ways of allaying it, and follow through until you get results.
You express anger appropriately to the individuals concerned. When you are distressed, too, you soothe yourself as you would a small child. After a disappointment or loss you might buy yourself a rose, get a massage, or go to the movies. When you have labored long and hard, you treat yourself to extra rest and recreation. You show yourself no less than a mother’s or a father’s kindness. (Once we grow up, we all have to parent ourselves.)
If these paragraphs describe you, congratulations! Your child is learning to honor her feelings and take care of them. If you swallow or stuff your feelings, resorting to junk food, alcohol, drugs, or compulsive behavior involving something else, try to pinpoint the cause, both for your own sake (to find healthier ways of soothing yourself) and for that of your child. You want to make your feelings at home in your body so that your child can do the same.
The easiest way to increase your child’s awareness of her feelings is to inquire about them. When you are debriefing her after a day at school, ask, “How did that make you feel?” Label feelings that you see on your child’s face when the two of you are together. “You look sad,” you might say. “Can you tell me about that?” Teaching your child about emotions is an important parenting skill.
When the two of you disagree about a directive you have issued, “You look angry, and we can talk about that, but I still need you to clean your room.” When she compares your label with her bodily sensations, she gains a frame of reference she can use every time she sees someone else’s emotions.
Help your child grasp the meaning of empathy. Look for ways to invite him to notice other people’s feelings. Ask him how he thinks a classmate reacted when the teacher blamed her for doing something she didn’t do. How did the shopkeeper respond when someone tried to steal candy? What is it like for people who are speaking when someone else interrupts them? How does it feel to be insulted or dismissed as unimportant or unworthy of attention?
Some children seem to grasp empathy instinctively. These are the youngsters who look out the car window and express concern for the old woman who slipped on the ice or for the stray dog that looks hungry. Other kids need more help. If your child seems to fall into this latter category, remind him of how he felt when something comparable happened to him. Explore the feeling in memory. Say, “Watching you, how would I have known what you were feeling? When you are feeling this way, how do you make yourself better?”
Ideally, your child tells you about his feelings. You treat them as important. You model good listening skills: you give your child your full attention without interrupting. You ask questions so that you understand better. You do not criticize him or tell him that he doesn’t feel as he says he does. (He is the expert on his feelings!) You ask what he plans to do next. You avoid giving directions unless he asks you for advice.
You tell him that as long as he does not insult, injure, or destroy anything or anybody, his feelings deserve acknowledgment from other people. You invite him to notice the relief in his body when he expresses himself. You teach him that people who tell him to “suck it up” or “pull yourself together” are people who become anxious at the sight of normal human emotions. Their anxiety is their problem and not his. You thank him for letting you know how he feels.
Feelings, natural and inevitable, unite us with all other humans. No matter where we live, what language we speak, or what we believe, everyone has the same basic feelings. When your child voices his, he opens himself to enjoying the understanding, appreciation, and support of others. He can also reach out to others in return. Whatever he may be feeling, he is not alone.
Our feelings are the parts of us that are most quintessentially ours. Over time, beauty fades, brains falter, and physical strength subsides. In contrast, our feelings arrive before birth and depart only at death. Because they convey the joy or pain of every moment, they color our lives. Without them we live in black and white. They are our best guides to the things that we need to savor life to the full.
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