Did you watch the debate between Democrats Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton that was televised last night from Texas? I did. It didn't really strike me as a debate. The candidates said anything they felt like saying, regardless of the question. And for the most part there wasn't much difference between the two sets of policies and proposals.
Still, I thought Barack and Hillary sent profoundly different messages. It wasn't so much what they said as how they said it. The net effect had partly to do with the expression of agreement or disagreement, appreciation or criticism, but even more to do with eye contact, posture, and gestures.
Much of the exchange in any conversation is unspoken—a matter of give-and-take, body language, and tone of voice. The process of asking and answering reaches well beyond the words. People have different styles in this area. Part of the message is communicated through mimicry, or attunement.
So what unspoken messages did the candidates send last night, to each other and to us? Hillary faced forward, gazing into the cameras much of the time and smiling. When she turned toward Obama, her facial expression betrayed little of her reaction to what he was saying. She used her hands somewhat to gesture, but for the most part she held her upper body still. Her voice, and her language, seemed formal.
Obama, on the other hand, turned toward Hillary often when she was talking. He frequently held up one finger when he wanted a chance to reply. Occasionally he interjected, "That's true" or "That's not so." His hands gestured freely as he spoke. He responded to Hillary's remarks with his body language and his facial expressions. His tone of voice might have been the same one he uses with his next-door neighbor.
Hillary appeared to be giving a speech to the audience. Barack, on the other hand, seemed to be engaged in a genuine conversation. He was available: alert to Hillary, responsive, actively listening. He seemed more connected, not only to his rival for the nomination but also to us observers in the same auditorium and far away. This willingness to connect, across a room or across broadband, will presumably help determine whether he wins our confidence and our trust.
If you doubt the power of attunement, imagine yourself preparing for an important exam that will decide whether you can go to graduate school. You are filled with self-doubt. You talk to your uncle, hoping for reassurance.
"I'm worried that I'll flunk the math part," you say. "It's been a long time." He answers, "How long has it been?" and then, after you've told him, "Oh, you're right, that is a long time." How does this response feel to you? It's deflating, right? Wouldn't you rather have your uncle wrap his arm around your shoulders and say, "You'll be fine! And you have lots of practice with multiple choice tests. You've always aced them"?
Or consider the way in which your best friend listens to your complaints about your boss. "That's absolutely awful!" she says in a low, gentle voice. "Anybody would have been upset to be patronized that way. What a total bum!" She listens, and at strategic intervals she echoes your words and your pain. She reaches out to you. She shows you that she is fully in synch, supporting you in your distress.
When other people seemed tuned in to us, we feel that we have been heard. When the give-and-take of communication is audible, visible, and palpable, we feel less alone, more connected. In such empathic company, we are able to relax, aware that we have resources we can call on. We are better able to cope with challenges.
Our ability to apply our unspoken knowledge of the rules of communication determines how well we fare socially in our lives—how others perceive us and how satisfying we find our relationships. For the two Democratic contenders, on the other hand, communication style will have larger consequences. The question is less likely to be which candidate is more capable, knowledgeable, or experienced than whether Democratic voters want a president who appears aloof , self-contained, and dispassionate or one who seems warm, open, and responsive. Time alone will tell.
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